Elsewhere, I mentioned one of my old rap demo tapes that I made with my neighborhood friend when we were youngsters. I didn't wanna clutter up that other entry, but I wanted curious readers to be able to get a sample of what I was talking about, by clicking thru to here. So this present post will contain a couple pictures of an album, and I'll also try to embed the audio and give the lyrics. All this stuff existed in storage already, so all I have to do is copy & paste it...
Original CD jewel case
The reason I say "original" is twofold:
- First, it's ironic because the case is anything but original; its image is in fact stolen from a Christian comic-book tract that someone handed to me one day. My rapper friend and I found this tract to be so funny that we stole many of its panels as album covers for our many demos. We were in the habit of recording a 10-song demo every week. We called our genre of music "punk folk rap", because we knew that we suckt but we also believed in our genius.
- The second reason I use the word "original" when referring to the above case image is that we eventually changed the name and the cover of the album.
Now here's the audio & lyrics...
(Keep in mind that the group's attitude in general was purposely offensive; all songs were written, as it were, thru masks. For instance, our idea for the song "Black Beast" was NOT to write how the CIA thinks about darker skinned people NOR how pale suburbanites think about darker skinned people BUT RATHER how the CIA desires that pale suburbanites think about darker skinned people: so it's like a dog-whistle that's so obvious it's actually a whistle-whistle, if you know what I mean.)
LYRICS
1. Eye Blinders
I was walking down the road when I finally stopped
There was something up the road & it looked like a cop
So I looked back while running just to see what it was
And it has a flashing light like a giant hockey puck
Then my eyes got blinded & then blackness came
So I understood the government was all to blame
Then I took out my phaser gun & blasted the thing
And it fell to the ground & crash-landed its wing
-
Are you sick of your sense of vision
Tired of seeing the obstetrician
If so then pay attention now
Cuz within minutes I’ll show you how
Brand new waterproof eye blinders
Stop your vision, free leather binder
It’s cutting-edge too good to be true
Did I mention they come in blue
Blind your eyes yeah blind your eyes
Also works as a good disguise
Put the eye blinders on your head
Grab a girl & go find a shed
*
2. Positivity
Negative energy’s bad for you
So when you round up yourself a crew
Be sure they’re all positive too
Otherwise you’re guaranteed to lose
Positivity, knowledge of self
Basic math, watch your health
Negativity’s everywhere
Remain positive don’t be scared
That’s a jewel I drop for you
It is math therefore it’s true
Positivity see the light
Negativity leads to fights
That is word is bond that’s the truth
Good advice for the ghetto youth
In summary only use negativity
If it brings about positivity
-
I’m gonna puke I go run to the toilet
My positive energy is overly boilin
Positiveness is radiating
I ain’t trying to be player hating
I’m just kicking it truthfully
Positive ghetto energy
Is flooding the city of New York
Just like the Ghostbusters 2 you dork
Don’t you remember the orangey slime
Coming out of the gutter grime
They had to ride the Liberty Statue
And play some music that’s good to dance to
In order to rid the evil slime
Positive energy is a crime
When taken in toxic amounts
Do not mistake it for the fount
Of eternal youth cuz it will shock you
I’m not trying to laugh & mock you
I’m just kicking the real street raps
Peace out now I’ll go take a nap
*
3. Jessica from Bally’s Fitness Club
Now we’re at the club
With a gun & some drugs
And a posse full of thugs
And a pitcher & a mug
That are filled with Miller Beer
You’re so glad that I’m not queer
I’m so glad you need to see a party
Hopefully to drink Bacardi
Now me & Brian fight
We both want to hold you tight
I am trying to talk to Jess
Boy I like the way you dress
Wow now we are in common
You say Ramen I say Ramen
But we both use our noodles
You are pretty like a poodle
Or a cocker spaniel puppy
I’ll be J-Lo you be Puffy
You have fuzzy velvet Kangol
Oh you also like the Bangles
-
Cash money cash money
Jessica is super studly
-
Lisa has a friend with blonde hair
And her name is Jessica so beware
She came over last Saturday
To go with Lisa to see a play
Jessica works at Bally’s gym
She hung out with me her & him
Therefore now she’s down by law
She is cool like the Human Claw
I could tell that she liked our cats
We did not get to see her rack
But still my digital voyeur cam
Got close-up shots while she used the can
*
4. Record Label Whores
Damn my record label to hell
I don’t care if my records sell
Dress me up in this stupid tux
And make me dance with a flock of ducks
Why is my record label so dumb
Don’t they know where the hell I’m from
I’ll bring dogs with guns & bats
To their office & beat their ass
I just went to my photo shoot
Where they made me wear a monkey suit
I got mad till I saw my check
Then I got so happy I wept
-
Make us rap with Blondie wigs
Squeak & squealing like a pig
Wear a Michael Jackson glove
Give their president a rub
Do a slow dance on a pole
Pull our trousers really low
Sing the songs they know will sell
Record label go to hell
Get this wack producer out
Before I pull my wig out
Record label record label
Put your money on the table
We will work for daily bread
I will paint my nose all red
And he will rap like De La Soul
Yeah but you don’t hear me tho
*
5. Laser Man
I’m Laser Man I’ll laser you
With laser rays your days are thru
My laser beams will burn your flesh
Don’t mess with me or you’ll burn to death
Never look in my laser eyes
Or I’ll burn your ass right down to size
And you will feel pain torture fear
As if the Death Machine was here
Laser Man cool black sedan
Red laser bam go bomb Japan
I’ll laser them, they will learn
There, take that Japan: burn
Laser ray your price to pay
No word to say, you die today
I’m Laser Man I’ll shoot your face
With laser beams now feel the bass
-
Laser Man strong & lean
Shooting red or shooting green
Solving mysteries of time
Muscles pulsing out of my
Shirt slam you on the dirt
Someone pull the red alert
Laser forces beaming light
Powerful with super tight
Pants & laser guns
I ain’t come to have no fun
I rather came to melt the city
I’ve turned evil yeah that’s shitty
Now onto the scene
Laser red black green
I’m a hero like shima
Who the fuck drank my Zima
Laser from your head to your toes
& I wanna shoot on the ground down to the flo’
& I wanna [pew pew] my laser beam shoots either red or green
But I gotta know where’s my laser been
Back seat windows up
That’s the way I like to what
Red beam fog alert
Rip the pants & rip the shirt
What about up in the candy store
That chocolate chocolate make you melt
Handcuffs whips & chains
Smack a little booty up with my belt
Laser beam fantasy
Laser Man I’m on the scene
Shooting red or shooting green
My laser is mean
What about up in the library
On top of books but ya can’t be too loud
You wanna make a brother beg for it
Gimme TLC cuz ya know I be too proud
What about up on the 40-yard line of the football game
At the Wrigley’s Field where the Buccaneers play
Where the grass is gray where the buffalo say
What’s my name what’s my name
*
6. Magnet Girl
I got pull cuz I’m Magnet Girl
I’ll magnetize you & save the world
I’m so attractive I’ll reel you in
With my electro-magnetized metal skin
Magnet Girl here to save you all
Before you feel the wrath of the Magnet Ball
Positive charged particles stick to me
Because I’ve got the big fat magnet beams
-
Magnet Girl freak sexy lady
Polar attraction Mayday Mayday
Metal combination grease lube grinding
Ooh baby baby what’s this I’m finding
We will connect our opposite poles
Magnetize my metal soul
Store your code I’ll expose my disc
Format your drive and cum on your tits
-
Magnet Girl yeah Magnet Chick
I’ll magnetize magnificent
Special gold suit & hot pink gloves
I’m Ultramagnetic like TR Love
*
7. Black Beast
Yeah who the hell wants a piece
You ain’t heard I’m the big Black Beast
Super huge long fangs & claws
I chew younger teens with my jaws
I’m the Black Beast from the west
I bang both my fists on my chest
Then I growl & get raging mad
You get the worst ass-whoop you’ve had
Blood drips out the side of my mouth
Meanwhile I repeatedly rape your spouse
Cuz I’m the Black Beast no self-control
I will impale your frame with pole
Go ahead & deadbolt the door
They’ll still find you dead on the floor
I’m the Black Beast go tell someone
You can’t do me none with that gun
-
Raging rampaging scraping clawing & gnawing
It’s the hideous Black Beast you saw in the drawing
It escaped from a planet very distant from here
And it always wants to kill rape & cause fear
It’s the Black Beast growling scowling frowning
Crooning rapping claws keep pounding
Run into your suburban house & lock your door
Cuz it never has made it out of the ghetto before
*
8. Captain Wet Nurse
I’m Captain Wet Nurse to the rescue now
New sterilized suit booty big & round
Dripping soaking wet save the patient fast
I’ll be damned if you dare try to grab my ass
I’m the captain thus I command the ship
I’m a certified nurse not a Blood or a Crip
When I appear at the door stethoscope on the neck
You know one thing is for sure I’m dripping soaking wet
Wet nurse wet nurse
You were getting even worse
I thought you were giving birth
Otherwise it was a curse
That is when the Captain came
Wet Nurse save the day
Super stethoscope device
Giving you the gift of life
-
Well I rescue the baby while it’s taking a rest
Pull down my uniform expose my left breast
And the juice of life is drip dripping to feed
Any precious little infant that’s feeling the need
I’m Captain Wet Nurse a certified milkman
Stop right there ma’am put down that can
Of similac: don’t feed your baby that crap
Take a rest while I place the babe on my lap
There beautiful baby with your gums so soft
Suck away there child my nipple won’t come off
Captain Wet Nurse is here I’m healthy & flowing
Giving mothers a rest because I’m swelling & growing
I’m the very nutritious superhero of old
Of whom not very little at all is ever told
Cuz I travel incognito you would never know
If you saw me in public that I am a hero
Cuz the only thing about me that would give me away
Is my very large mammary glands that always sway
Side to side while I walk with a superhero switch
But my bushy mustache proves I’m not no bitch
*
9. Lieutenant Lava
Burning shooting fire throwing
I’m Lieutenant Lava glowing
Hot red & yellow rock
From my elbow to my jock
Lava burning look it’s flowing
Better watch where you are going
When I walk I burn the ground
Find your city, burn it down
Yeah I’m Lieutenant Lava
Marijuana kava kava
Molten rubble smolder flame
I don’t play I am the game
Lava burning down the block
It will never ever stop
Scorching fire shooting hot
Melting everything you got
I’m Lieutenant Lava boy
Everything will get destroyed
Burnt disintegrated dead
Lava singeing off your head
-
Lieutenant Lava
Lieutenant Lava Lava
You know you cause the drama
You be the hot mama
You got the lava flow
Like I don’t even know
Like 27-4
You got a heavy flow
You beat the criminals down
With liquid lava that pounds
And you save the whole town
From falling into the ground
You are Lieutenant Lava
Lieutenant Lava Lava
You got a hot daughter
She hotter than some lava
I wanna eat you up
You steaming up my cup
I cannot get enough
You got the funky stuff
You got that creamy cream steamy hot
Sexy lady on the spot
Lava lava baby mama
Ow biting like piranhas
*
10. Earth Person
Volatile Earth Person, Person of Earth
Eyes of a serpent, body made of the turf
About as big as the Black Beast & bigger in back
But even better in bed banging off of the rack
Look person out of earth
Who could have gave it birth
Don’t try to make it worse
Now you went & got us hurt
Earth Person over there
Run hide grab a chair
Why’s it running after me
Tried to hit me with a tree
Volatile Earth Person covered in mud
Beating me to a pulp till I’m covered in blood
Somebody call up the wet nurse the Person of Earth
Is beating me to oblivion & it’s starting to hurt
-
Up from the dirt up from the grave
Walk like an automaton mind-slave
Zombie white flesh worms & clay
I’m the Earth Person come to slay
Stone-faced vacuity of soul
Death incarnate lurk thru the cold
Mindless cadaver invalid carcass
Wandering thru lifeless darkness
Hollow eyes malevolent glare
Rotting teeth disheveled hair
Rancid baneful toxic piss
Soil & silk filled orifice
Pallid pale wan sickly flesh
Iniquitous animated death
Unsheltered unwitting of law
Ah shooby doo wah wah